DEEP WATERS

I don't fully understand what happens inside. I can't explain the shift. But it seems that when we experience loss, our eyes are opened to others around us that have lost as well. We feel just a little deeper for those experiencing pain. We are more empathetic, more sensitive, more aware somehow. Living through loss can be devastating. I've share a lot about the loss I experienced in 2015, when my Mom and Dad became very ill and passed away three weeks apart from one another. Since then, I've had days when my grief followed me around like a storm cloud, threatening to send a lightening bolt right through the heart of me. Days that storms brought thunder that shook the ground beneath my feet, threatening to upend me. Days that I've moved through the day as if on auto-pilot. I've also had days, and now weeks, when I can feel God's healing balm within me. Days that I believe I'm stronger and wiser and better than before. Days that I know I...

My Parents in their Twilight Years -- Still Sharp and Beautiful Last year Easter was very challenging for me.  When Easter arrived last year, I was reeling from the loss of my parents just months before. I was deep in the "acute grief" that a counselor had taught me about, given me vocabulary for and helped to walk me through. Honestly, I don't even remember anything that happened on Easter day last year. I think I was pretty numb to the celebration of Jesus' death and resurrection. In my head I knew that He'd given me - and the whole world - the most awesome gift ever when He died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead.  But last year, I wasn't exactly feeling it. This year has been different. As I've approached Resurrection Sunday, I have been very contemplative. I've thought a lot about the depth of Jesus' sacrifice. I've been reading the Passion story -- the story of Jesus' death, burial and resurrectio...

When I first began writing regular posts about my parents , it was easy to find the time and energy to write. I would sit down at my laptop, and before I knew it I'd pecked out some sincere and, I hope, honoring thoughts about each of them. But that was back when my parents were still with us. But TODAY I feel like I have to write... Today is the anniversary of the day my mother passed away. I can hardly believe it's been a whole year. Then on the other hand, it feels like a lifetime ago that my sisters and I walked up and down the halls of my parents' hospitals. It feels like a lifetime ago that I spent weeks at a time in Maryland, sitting beside my parents' hospital beds, talking with nurses and doctors about my parents' prognoses. It seems like a lifetime ago that I was hopeful that my mother might actually recover, especially when her health miraculously improved. It seems like a lifetime ago that I prayed she'd someday return home. Little did ...

T'was the day before Christmas, when all through the house... I wish I could say not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse in my home. But... we still have gift-wrapping to do and grocery shopping and cooking and baking. And yet, I had to take a break from my holiday preparations to write the final post in this blog series. As I've connected with friends and family members, it seems I'm not the only one grieving loved ones this season. And I'm certainly not the only one working through hurts and disappointments and major life transitions. So if you, or someone you love, is balancing loss and grief while also celebrating the most precious Gift we've ever received - our Savior, Jesus Christ - this post is for you. In my first two posts, I shared the two ways to help a grieving loved one during the holidays: expressing empathy and the Gift of Presence . Today I want to share another. It's pretty simple, but I've had confirmation over the last f...

When I reflect on my family's recent relocation back to Tennessee, I think of all that moving brings. Change. Excitement. Intrigue.  Moving can be a really cool "reset button"... Giving us the opportunity to begin again, experience a season of renewal, reinvent ourselves even. I've experienced all these joys since we've moved back to Tennessee. Some days I'm overwhelmed with the blessing of moving to a city we love and reconnecting with precious friends we made during our first season in Franklin. An added bonus: we've been blessed to meet new friends and begin jobs with wonderful ministries - New Hope Academy for me and Nashville Rescue Mission for Anthony. But moving has another side... Like almost any other major change it brings a whole other list of things. Stress. Disorientation. Grief. Along with the reset button of relocation comes the reminder of all the wonderful things and people we left behind in Arkansas - and in Northern Virg...

This week I experienced another "first". Of course having just relocated back to Tennessee, I've experienced lots of firsts. My first Thanksgiving back in Franklin. My first day of work at New Hope Academy. But this week I experienced another kind of "first". On Wednesday, December 9th, I had my first birthday without my parents. Earlier this year I shared quite a bit about my parents' illnesses, and a few weeks later, their deaths. It's been a difficult year without them. Their absence has left a hole in my heart. A place that I don't think anything or anyone will fill. It's a space that I think even Jesus will allow to remain empty until I see Him face-to-face. Until I see my parents again too. As Christmas quickly approaches, I've been thinking about what the holiday will be like without my parents. Almost every Christmas we've traveled 18 hours to spend the holiday with our families in Maryland. This year will be so di...

Kalin, Anthony and Me in front of Kalin's MTSU dorm It's the day after we dropped my first-born Kalin off at college.  I'm a little sad. (My baby boy has grown up and started a new season away from the nest.) I'm a little bewildered. (How is that my baby boy has grown up so quickly?) I'm a little nervous. (He's on a huge campus. Will he make it to all of his classes on time? Will he study hard? Will he eat at least one real meal today?) But mostly I am very grateful.  I'm grateful that I know Kalin was ready to be launched to college. (Oh sure -- he barely cleans his room; stays up way too late watching movies, writing lyrics and dropping beats; and sleeps in as late as humanly possible in the morning...)  Yet I think of my red-headed boy today and see a mature, responsible young man who's had a clear direction in life for many, many years now. I see a young man who studies well, reads ravenously and takes school seriously. I see a yo...

My Mom with former Baltimore Mayor & State's Attorney Kurt Schmoke  I haven't shared much here recently. While the whirlwind of my life has slowed some, most days I find myself pushing through, working through fatigue and grief. I haven't even spoken about the upheaval in my hometown of Baltimore, Maryland. My hometown that I still love deeply. I've watched lots of footage. I've had several conversations. I have many, many thoughts.  I just haven't felt led to write about it. And yet life goes on... Tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I'm finding myself experiencing a mixture of emotions. I'm happy to be a Mom. So blessed to have four beautiful, healthy children. Children that amaze me with their multiple gifts and talents. Children that make me laugh until my side hurts. Children that also drive me crazy - almost literally.  Children that God saw fit to bless me with through the miracle of birth and the wonder of adoption. My...

My Mother, A Born Leader I've experienced that moment already... On Saturday, February 21, family and friends joined together to reflect on and celebrate my Mom's life. After a difficult illness and weeks of hospitalization, my Mom passed away on Tuesday, February 10. I was there the day she passed. I'd watched her grow more and more ill throughout her last weeks here.  And yet, the reality of my mother's passing - and my Dad's - is taking a while to sink in. I've even experienced that moment already... That moment when something happens or something is said or I see something interesting, and I think,  I can't wait to tell Mommy about this. The first time was immediately after her Homegoing Celebration.  We'd laughed. We'd cried. We'd reminisced. And I believe we presented my mother with a service that she would have felt honored to witness. I think she would have been quite pleased. I think she also would have been am...

This morning God laid something heavy on my heart. Maybe it's because I have a good friend that's currently walking through this scary forest. Maybe it's because I've walked through the same overgrown brush and thistles that she's walking through now. Maybe because I've walked it not just once -- but twice. For whatever reason, God laid this topic on my heart. So today, I want to share a few words about miscarriage... from someone who's been there. (Feel free to share this with your husbands. They may find a few clues about how to love you well through this time.) I don't claim to have all the answers or the perfect scriptures to set things right again for you, but I can share what God did in my heart and life during that dark, cold and lonely walk. I fought my feelings of GUILT There's something about tragedy that makes us blame ourselves. I remember worrying that maybe I'd worked out too much or maybe I had eaten too many McDonald's...